There are two pictures that come to mind when I think about her. One is from a year ago. A self proclaimed Disney skeptic running in front of me toward Disney's Animal Kingdom, looking back at me with a huge smile yelling "COME ON!"
And one is from just a couple days ago. Her on the other side of this wall, choosing to leave this earth. The evil of that second picture haunts me. It creeps in at unexpected moments, stabbing me in the heart. When this pictures appears in my mind without permission, I push it away with that smiling, gorgeous, blonde, vivacious girl.
I know there are a lot of hurdles in the future. I know I will someday have to go back into that space. I know I will have to get my Christmas decorations down from above the spot where she decided to give up. I will try to reclaim the things that remind me of her that used to bring me joy.
About a week ago, when she was still here, her dog ran outside and bit me - two days in a row. She apologized and grabbed him. He has lived in our house for more than three years and never bit me. Maybe he knew of the turmoil inside of her.
Today I tried to find a little joy, so I got a pedicure. As the woman massaged my legs, I noticed the bruise from him biting me and I started to cry. It seems so wrong that the bruise is still there, but she is gone - forever.
So if I seem a little quieter, it's because right now life just seems a little dimmer. We are used to getting through things by believing that someday it was be ok, but this will never be ok. So instead of trying to make it ok, I will try to face it and just keep going because this is part of my story now. The best way I can honor her is by living the fullest life I can live.
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| Entrance of Animal Kingdom |
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