Sunday, May 13, 2012

Maybe when you have nothing, you have everything.

This morning I went to a memorial service for my teacher and friend, Jack Gilbert.  I find myself sitting here contemplating it and I'm changed.  

Why do I want to do the things I want to do? What motivates me?

Am I selfish for wanting to write a book?  Am I selfish for wanting to choreograph?  Or is this what I was created for?

I live in one of the richest places in the world... Well, it's not really rich, it just appears that way.  I bet most people here are in huge debt.  And those who have money don't have what really makes one rich...  Joy, contentment, satisfaction, Christ.

I was starting to get sucked into this world.  I wanted to write a successful book so that I could buy the house that I actually wanted and I could buy a car that doesn't have duct tape holding it together, literally.

Why?  Why would I want that?  Would that make me more valuable?  Would that give my life more worth?

I remember sitting on Jack's couch and being as comfortable as I ever was.  It was old.  It was used.  It was perfect.

Jack died single, living in a small apartment with old furniture.  He had one fleece vest, one sport coat, and one old car.  And yet, I would choose to be him over any rich person on the planet.  Because he did things that changed the world.  Literally.  Without getting any credit for it.  And he had a heart that I yearn to have.

Jack wasn't a great friend but he once said three sentences that changed the way I viewed myself, my talent, and the world around me.

I have a feeling that many people have been changed by Jack.  He changed us by being patient and humble and kind.  I hope these are words that are used when I die.  

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Why don't I have a boyfriend?

Why am I single?

I don't know.

Everyone has their theories.

I'm intimidating. I'm too good for this guy or that guy. I'm too busy. I'm too picky.


Everyone loves to put their two cents in. My dad used to make me feel bad about it all the time and then tell me not take it so seriously.

Old guys and married guys love to tell me how confusing it is because I'm so great.

That doesn't help.

To be totally honest, always being single is hard on the soul. You doubt your worth. When people say things like "Why is that guy 30 and single? There must be something wrong with him", you secretly think that about yourself. Maybe you could have a boyfriend if your nose was smaller or your voice wasn't so high pitched...

But on most days I do know my value. So, I've decided I need How to Get a Boyfriend lessons. I mean there are dancing lessons and singing lessons. You can learn how to draw and how to balance a budget. Why aren't there classes on how to get a boyfriend?

But here's the real problem. If those classes really existed, would I go?

I have always wanted a boyfriend. I always thought it was the perfect time, but if I had found the perfect guy at 20 and gotten married at 23 (like I dreamed), would I have toured with a rock band? Would I have lived in Germany? Would I have been in the Lybian desert watching a total eclipse of the sun on my 30th birthday? Would I have been the Ambassador of Disneyland? And would I be seriously contemplating pursuing a career as a choreographer right now if I had children to raise?

Don't get me wrong. If I met a great guy who wants to be adventurous with me, I would love that. I'm just saying that the big guy upstairs seems to know something I don't know. Maybe the best of my life is yet to come and it can only happen if I'm single. Maybe my guy just isn't ready yet. Maybe I still have things to learn in order to be a great partner to him.  Maybe I will always be single...

All I know is that, God has gotten me this far. And it's been pretty amazingly fantastic. So, I will continue to hold onto the fact that I am perfectly and wonderfully made (even with my German nose), that God knows the plans he has for me and I will continue to wait, impatiently at times, and see what comes around the bend...

TSLOLH: Episdoe 2

The Secret Life of Liz Hetzel:  Episode 2