Thursday, December 25, 2014

The Truth and Sadness of the FirstRateSingleLife

Let's get real.  The worst night of the FirstRateSingleLife is tonight; Christmas Eve.

It's just horrible.

Ever year, after candles are lit, carols are sung, and presents are wrapped, I dejectedly tuck myself into the child size bunk bed in my parents spare room.  It's a wonderful room perfect for my nieces and nephews, but to me it's just such a glaring slap in the face reminding myself of where I am in life.  In my 30's, no man, no kids.

It was in this very bed 5 years ago that I cried myself to sleep wondering why I couldn't find a man who loved me.  How had I missed the boat?  Where was my fairytale? What was wrong with me?

So, that night, just before sleep took over, I made myself a deal.  I wouldn't watch a single romantic thing for six months.  Although they feel fun while I watched them, they ruined me when it was over.  So, no more romance; no Grey's Anatomy, no New Girl, nothing.

I also decided to take every moment by storm.  More rock shows.  More friends.  More time using my talents.

It is no coincidence that this was the year the FirstRateSingleLife began.  It was a freedom I can't explain.  To not be tied down by the ridiculous expectations society pushed in my face with every ad, tv show and movie.  I got to start seeing relationships in a real way.  And I was able to see that my life is freakin fantastic, just as it is.

So, here I am back in this very room 5 years later.  Still single, still pursuing the best life I can find.  And although this bed makes me want to scream, waking up alone in my empty house Christmas morning by myself is so much worse.

So I will crawl into this bed once again.  And I will forcefully put my foot down reminding myself that I am exactly where I should be.  I can't force a man to love me.  I can't make a publisher sign my book.  I can't stop these small lines forming around my eyes, but I can live each moment to the fullest.  I can laugh with my whole heart.  I can love those around me.  I can dance until I can't stand.  I can eat great food and watch fantastic rock shows.

This life will not pass me by while I wait for a man (because he may never show up).  But I will show up in life and continue to see the world.  I will enjoy sunsets.  I will buy myself flowers and treat myself like I deserve to be treated.

Every FirstRateLife has a hard moment.  This is mine.  Every year.

But in the morning, I will wake up and my brother and sister's family will come over and there will be laughter and shrieks of joy.  There will be stupid presents and perfect presents.  And I won't be able to think of a more perfect moment.