You're In Charge of Your Hurt

There a new guy around.  He's tall and skinny and loves Jesus and likes to camp.   All things I adore.

But he's brand new to me.  I didn't meet him on a dating site or grow up next door.  He asked a mutual friend for my number and texted.  I internet stalked him.  Nothing.  No Facebook, no instagram, no snap chat, nothing.

So after a week of texting, New Guy and I went to coffee.  It was so very strange sitting across from a guy who I had probably only seen in real life about 4 times and who I knew absolutely nothing about.  I was really hopeful from our texts, but I was hoping for the strangest thing.  I wanted to have a good time, but not a great time because in the past having an absolutely great time during the first date always led to my heart breaking after Mr. Great doesn't like me back.

And I got exactly what I wanted.  A guy who seemed really fantastic, but had a couple of things I needed to know more about.  So, no deal breakers, we move forward.

The next hurdle we had to (slowly) get over was a guy I'll call Josh.  Josh was this guy I had hung out with for a good 8 months many years back.  Josh also had been brand new to me.  Josh just wanted a friend with benefits and I just wanted a boyfriend.  So, I kept stupidly hanging out with him because I was sure he was going to come around and be my boyfriend.  Nope.  In the final scene of our ridiculous friendship, he told me that he had been lying to me the whole time.  Everything I knew about him was only said to win me over.  All lies.  The true Josh was a stranger to me.  It was only after the final credits rolled I realized I never met one of his friends or any of his family.  I would never do that again.  (Thank God Josh never got one benefit from me.)

So, now here I am.  New Guy is sitting across from me saying all these great things, but all I can think is that in 8 months I'm gonna be walking away with a broken heart from all the lies.  And poor New Guy is kinda new to California and so I can't meet his friends and family.  Is this guy worth breaking the getting to know the friends and family rule?  I don't know.  But I'll give him another hang out.

Next hang out, he informs me friends are coming into town!  Ok, I'll meet some friends and that will surely help me get to know him and I'll see what kinda of people he is surrounded by.  When I meet his friends they show me pictures from New Guy's past.  He's legitimately unrecognizable with long, different colored hair and different glasses.  New Guy was a stranger to me.

My knee jerks.  This feeling, I know this feeling.  This is the feeling I had when Josh told me about all the lies and I felt like he was someone I didn't even know.  Who was this guy in the pictures, I didn't know that guy.  I sat on my couch that night, still dressed with my heels on, staring at my wall.  Although this feeling was the same, this was not the same.  The reason I saw those pictures and met those people is because he was trying to be transparent and not hide from me.

I honestly felt like running.  This feeling inside of me was familiar and freakin scary.

I didn't run.

I knew that this scary feeling was a feeling.  And feelings can be very very wrong.  My logic mind was telling me to give it a chance, to keep trying and so I did.  I pressed in.  Scared out of my mind, I pressed in.  The next day I hung out with his friends a little more.  They were really awesome.  Awesome people don't usually hang out with douche bags.

So, using only logic.  I pushed forward again.  Reminding myself to tell him I liked us because my emotions were telling me to protect myself, to run.  I didn't want to tell him how happy I was or how great he was because what if it fell apart again.  I would write text messages and then stare at it. I would actually have to count to 3 outloud to make myself hit send.

The biggest blessing I have is that he seemed to like me enough to move at the speed of molasses through all my crap, but here's the really crazy part, I told him all of this and he seems to be sticking around.

Vulnerability.  It's so hard.  It's so scary.  It's so necessary.

Don't let past fear ruin your life.  You don't have to run.  You don't have to hide your hurt.  You can just accept it and tell it shut the hell up and live a fanastic life.