An 18 year old mystery. Solved.

The other day, I was sitting on the shuttle that takes me from my car to LAX and back.  (I work for American Airlines now.)  The shuttles we ride have seats like on subways, where we awkwardly face each other and we look around as to not be looking directly at each other.  Commonly, we are all on our phones scrolling through Facebook.

This particular day, my phone had run out of battery.  It had been a very long day and I'm sure I was more tired than my phone, but I didn't have the option of shutting down.  I love riding the shuttle because we drive down the runway right next to planes taking off.  I like to pretend I'm the villain in an action movie, who just can't quite catch up to the good guy escaping into the sky.  I smile often when this happens.  I'm sure the people around me wonder why I'm smiling.

Anyway, because my phone had died, I started thinking about this crazy life I lead and how I have done so many weird things.  One of the first things that came to mind was when I toured with this ridiculously cheesy Christian singing group.  Oh, it was bad.  We would actually say "The bigger the hair the closer to God."  Horrible.  But one thing was true, it was one of the first times I danced outside of my small town.  I got to tour internationally; singing and dancing.

I was fresh out of high school and sent to Colorado for training.  I will never forget sitting there in the Denver airport on my one allowed suitcase and hugging my pillow just praying someone would find me.  In Colorado about 350 people came together to learn music and choreography and then we were split into ten different groups and sent all over the world.  Every group had a dance soloist.  I was the dance soloist for my group.

At the end of the tours, we all came back together for one huge concert; 350 singers, audience of a couple thousand.  Trying to get all the choirs to work together was difficult, but the worst was trying to get the dance soloists to match.  We had all slightly changed our dances to fit us best and through out the tour they had become very different.  Thus, when we all danced together, we looked like a hot mess.

The choreographer came up and said that he was just going to pick one girl and that girl was... me.

I almost died of fright.  I felt so very small.  This little tiny girl, from this tiny town, in front of a choir of 350.  I just knew I would just be swallowed up by the size of the stage in this huge venue.

Back in the shuttle, 18 years later, I starred into space wondering why that choreographer ever chose me.  I definitely had the least experience.  I definitely was from the smallest town on earth.  And then for no reason at all, I remembered...

About a year before that scary moment, I had auditioned for him to do this job.  I had forced myself through a hip hop routine that didn't look great on me, but I was determined to try.  It was time for the final round.  It was me and four amazing girls, what was I doing here?  The music turns on, I adjust my hair and pull at my shirt.  Do I look ok?

I count myself in... 5,6,7 and everyone starts.  Well, the truth is the girl who had the most confidence starts on 8 and everyone follows her.

Except me.

I knew we were supposed to start on 1.  I was starting on 1.  The entire routine, I was exactly 1 count behind everyone.  It was really hard; to stay focused, to stay on beat, to not let the movement of the girls make me rush, and to not let the stares of the people watching scare me.  I could see that everyone thought I was wrong.  The choreographer had his eyes plastered on me.  He had to know I was right, right?

The routine got done.  There was a small polite awkward applause and the confident girl walks by me, "What were you doing?"  To be honest, I had no idea.  Maybe I should have danced with everyone, but as the choreographer left the room, he walked by me and without even stopping,  he nodded and said "Well done."

And that is when I got the solo.  An entire year earlier, I had held my ground.  I refused to conform.  I proved that I was more than a small town dancer.

As I rode in the shuttle, I sat back into my seat.  An 18 year old mystery had been solved.  What a crazy realization.  As I watched the beautiful sunset, I smiled remembering how I danced that night with all of my heart.  Filling that huge stage with the joy I feel when I dance.

And then a thought came to me.  Would I have thought about any of this if I had been scrolling on my Facebook?  Probably not and I most definitely would have missed that sunset.  So, every time I ride the shuttle, I leave my phone in my pocket and let my mind wander.  I don't often get answers to 18 year old mysteries but it is fun to just have a half an hour a day to sit and ponder.

Maybe when you have nothing, you have everything.

This morning I went to a memorial service for my teacher and friend, Jack Gilbert.  I find myself sitting here contemplating it and I'm changed.  

Why do I want to do the things I want to do? What motivates me?

Am I selfish for wanting to write a book?  Am I selfish for wanting to choreograph?  Or is this what I was created for?

I live in one of the richest places in the world... Well, it's not really rich, it just appears that way.  I bet most people here are in huge debt.  And those who have money don't have what really makes one rich...  Joy, contentment, satisfaction, Christ.

I was starting to get sucked into this world.  I wanted to write a successful book so that I could buy the house that I actually wanted and I could buy a car that doesn't have duct tape holding it together, literally.

Why?  Why would I want that?  Would that make me more valuable?  Would that give my life more worth?

I remember sitting on Jack's couch and being as comfortable as I ever was.  It was old.  It was used.  It was perfect.

Jack died single, living in a small apartment with old furniture.  He had one fleece vest, one sport coat, and one old car.  And yet, I would choose to be him over any rich person on the planet.  Because he did things that changed the world.  Literally.  Without getting any credit for it.  And he had a heart that I yearn to have.

Jack wasn't a great friend but he once said three sentences that changed the way I viewed myself, my talent, and the world around me.

I have a feeling that many people have been changed by Jack.  He changed us by being patient and humble and kind.  I hope these are words that are used when I die.  

Why don't I have a boyfriend?

Why am I single?

I don't know.

Everyone has their theories.

I'm intimidating. I'm too good for this guy or that guy. I'm too busy. I'm too picky.

And.

Everyone loves to put their two cents in. My dad used to make me feel bad about it all the time and then tell me not take it so seriously.

Old guys and married guys love to tell me how confusing it is because I'm so great.

That doesn't help.

To be totally honest, always being single is hard on the soul. You doubt your worth. When people say things like "Why is that guy 30 and single? There must be something wrong with him", you secretly think that about yourself. Maybe you could have a boyfriend if your nose was smaller or your voice wasn't so high pitched...

But on most days I do know my value. So, I've decided I need How to Get a Boyfriend lessons. I mean there are dancing lessons and singing lessons. You can learn how to draw and how to balance a budget. Why aren't there classes on how to get a boyfriend?

But here's the real problem. If those classes really existed, would I go?

I have always wanted a boyfriend. I always thought it was the perfect time, but if I had found the perfect guy at 20 and gotten married at 23 (like I dreamed), would I have toured with a rock band? Would I have lived in Germany? Would I have been in the Lybian desert watching a total eclipse of the sun on my 30th birthday? Would I have been the Ambassador of Disneyland? And would I be seriously contemplating pursuing a career as a choreographer right now if I had children to raise?

Don't get me wrong. If I met a great guy who wants to be adventurous with me, I would love that. I'm just saying that the big guy upstairs seems to know something I don't know. Maybe the best of my life is yet to come and it can only happen if I'm single. Maybe my guy just isn't ready yet. Maybe I still have things to learn in order to be a great partner to him.  Maybe I will always be single...

All I know is that, God has gotten me this far. And it's been pretty amazingly fantastic. So, I will continue to hold onto the fact that I am perfectly and wonderfully made (even with my German nose), that God knows the plans he has for me and I will continue to wait, impatiently at times, and see what comes around the bend...

TSLOLH: Episdoe 2

The Secret Life of Liz Hetzel:  Episode 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VsAC1jSpyk

The Secret Life of Liz Hetzel

Episode 1:  The great Easter Adventure

If you want to know what my life is like...  Here ya go.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YeNjZn_Rpmg

I am new...

Easter is always amazing.  This year was no different.

http://vimeo.com/40278323

Get lost. It will keep you sane.

I like getting lost the first time I go on a  hike somewhere new.  I mean, I do have GPS after all - just in case I really get lost.


So today, after following a riverbed off the path and down the mountains I found myself at a dead end in the cool shadows of the valley.  I had three options:
1) turn around
2) pull out the GPS
3) climb the tree in front of me and then climb the cliff above that.


At the very top of the cliff was grass sparkling in the sun.  The sun was teasing me.  It knew I couldn't resist.  So, I grabbed the tree and began to climb.  Trees are easy to climb.  Stay near the trunk and it's just like climbing an uneven ladder.  Well, that is until the it starts to sway.  That's when I transferred to the cliff.


I started climbing again.  It was a little shaky.  There were times when a rock would suddenly give out from underneath my foot or my handhold would crack under the pressure, but I knew from climbing experience that as long as one connection to the mountain was secure, everything else is fine.


After a short wrestle with that cliff, I made it to the top. And what did I find?  Heaven.

Lush green fields.

Meadows blowing in the wind.

I came around a bend and found myself in a storybook.

No one walked this way.  There was no path.  There were no other people.  Just me and God's beautiful artwork.


I walked for a while and then was stopped by Man.  A chain link fence.  I knew that I was heading in the right directions to end up back where I needed to be, but this chain link fence was not going to let me get there.   Because the woods on the other side of this chain link fence were so dense, I decide to continue along the fence until there was an opening at some point where people had already made a path.

I finally came along a very small tunnel under the fence.  I laid down and slithered my way under.  It wasn't until I was about 3/4 the way through that I thought, "I'm very small, who else could possibly fit through here."  Just a moment later, when I was through, I noticed that the path was not made for walking but crawling.. or rather, walking on all fours.  And there were no footprints just coyote tracks.  I needed to get out of there fast.  If a hungry coyote came walking down his path, I was for sure getting rabies.  I very quickly slithered back under the fence.

Once back on the other side I sighed with relief and continued to follow the fence.  Not too far down the hill I was stopped again.  This time, by a fence that was perfectly perpendicular to the first fence.  Time to get my fence jumping shoes on.

A tree stood in my way.  It was just close enough to the fence to be in the way and just far enough away that it didn't help.  So after climbing this horribly wobbly fence, while arm wrestling the tree, I swung my legs over.   Everyone knows that if you climb a fence once you are at the top you are home free because you just swing your legs over and drop down to the ground.  However, this ground had very high grass and I had no idea what lied underneath.  So I very gently lowered myself down to the ground to find very unstable and slippery terrain.

I could now see the path I wanted about 100 yards down this very steep hill.  Because of the looseness of the earth and the very steep slant of the hill,  I semi-skied down, using my arms as ski poles when gravity pulled at both of my feet at the same time.

I was never so happy to hit stable ground.  I walked about 50 yards before I realized, my car key had fallen out of my pocket at some point....  crap.  After talking with Best Friend Jen for a moment, I decided to head back and look for it.  One key, lost in the midst of this whole adventure.

I headed back up the slippery terrain.  For every step I took, I slid back a half a step.  I was on nature's treadmill, except I needed to make progress on this treadmill.  

After quite a hike, I got back to my wobbly fence, I stopped and looked around.  No key.  I was already thoroughly exhausted and I knew that if I climbed this fence I would have to do it at least once more.  I got up my strength and got over that fence.  I stopped at the tree I arm wrestled.  He didn't have my key either.

I headed back to the coyote path.  My discouragement quickly faded when I saw a glimmer of something silver in the dirt.  Sure enough, while slithering under, my key had fallen out of my pocket.  I swear to God, finding this key was a miracle from God.

The key is the silver sliver next to the cement block.

I still had quite a walk ahead of me to get back to my car, but not before climbing my wobbly fence one more time - but of course by this time we were friends.  So, I had to stop at the top and take a pictures of us.  Of course the arm wrestling tree jumped in the background...

I ended the hike throughly exhausted.  I probably hiked three times as far as I had originally planned.  I, for sure, had no intention of climbing a tree, a cliff and a fence, and by the end my legs were literally shaking.  But like most things in my life I wouldn't change it for the world.

I got to be an adventurer. I got to be in a little piece of heaven. I got to be a character in my own storybook.

First rate single life, indeed.