Easter is terrifying.

I'm creative.  I just am.  I like to dream up ideas and write and build and edit, but most of all I love to dance.  When I'm not dancing or choreographing, there's a hunger.

A hunger to do something new.

A hunger to create.

It's as if the dances are in my brain fighting to get out.  There are some dances that never get a chance to see the light of day.  There are some dances that get out and then people hate them.  Then, there are those dances that get out and it's like magic.

Last month, I had the chance to choreograph for my church's Easter production.  I'm sure you have seen it on my Facebook, but i'm just not sure you know the whole story.

Choreographing something like that is insanity.  28 people, 28 paint rollers, 34 buckets of paint, 12 paint pans, 10 paint balloons, 4 sprayers, and one 19' by 48' wall.  (oh and whatever I choreograph has to be reset for  second service an hour later....)

I had to get that wall fully painted in 1 minute 45 seconds...  (oh and by the way, you don't get a dress rehearsal with paint)...  then you get 30 seconds to get everything off stage... and then have a full dance number...

I spent every spare moment of my life planning this thing.  Listening to the music over and over during lunch breaks and in my car, choreographing, making maps of where people went, planning how the walls would move,  figuring out paint so that it wouldn't look like mud... The list went on and on.

I, luckily, had amazing people around me.  Like Nick, the creator, tarp manger, paint tester and director who would sit and discuss it with me.  Jessica who sat with me for three hours figuring out where props went.  I had Renee, Michele and Jessica choreograph sections so that I wouldn't have the carry the weight all alone.

I was keeping up five jobs and trying to do this thing.  By the end I was exhausted and scared out of my mind.

"Scared?" you ask.  Yes, scared.

I had to perform in the show in order to have the right amount of people.  So, I never saw the show. And since we didn't have a dress rehearsal with paint, I honestly had no idea how it was going to look or what would happen when we threw paint on wooden walls for the first time.

The hardest moment, anytime I create something, is when I'm finally finished, because then I have to set my creation into the light and let people see it.  To let them take what I have created and judge it.

Easter is the worst because I have to set my creation into the light for the first time when 12,000 people are watching.

I was terrified.

But I will tell you, the moment the first bit of paint hit the wall and the audience gasped.  I knew we created something that would get people's attention.

You know, I will never really understand what it was like to experience this celebration because I was on stage, but I do know this; it was amazing.  Not the show necessarily, but the process.  To work so hard I was falling asleep at stop lights.  To get the chance to work with amazing people.  To have so many uncertainties and watch God make it happen.  To be totally terrified and yet have more joy than I could imagine while falling on my butt center stage.

In the end my favorite part was not even something on stage.  It was watching the dancers celebrate together after the show in the wings because we had come together and we had done something fantastic that celebrated God and the joy he brings.  We did this.  All of us.  And so we celebrated.

If you haven't seen it yet, watch this... it's the recap of the entire service.

http://vimeo.com/23031374

If you want to see the whole dance.  Here is a link to the up close and personal version:

http://www.vimeo.com/22968871

Or you can watch this version:

A slap in the face.

You know how when you realize something that seems so obvious it's like a slap in the face? Well, this weekend I got a slap in the face... in a good way.

What does it take to be who you want to be?

First, I hung out with my friend Matt at Malibu Wine for his birthday.  So amazing... Here's a little video of the place.

Anyway, I love hanging out with Matt because he's Mr. Goal Setter.  He believes in setting goals and going after them.  He has a team of people who help inspire and support him.  That's awesome.

Then, off to hang out with Jill.  (You should remember Jill from triathlon training and Europe.) Hanging out with Jill is like getting a boost of "do what it takes to succeed".  Jill is the hardest worker I know.  I'm so impressed by her work ethic and her talent.

Then, I headed home and watch the Pixar Story.  And something I realized is in every huge success story there is a moment of luck.  I have no idea how to get that luck, but here's what I have learned:

I'm going to surround myself with people who love me, work my butt off, and just wait for the moment of luck.  If the luck doesn't show up, I know that I have done my best and that's all I can do.

To pirate or not to pirate...

Today I literally had to make myself not be a hypocrite.  I tell everyone everywhere that it is better to try and fail than to not try at all.  Today I was tested.

They were auditioning for pirates at Disneyland today.  I was feeling so insecure about it because my pirate accent isn't top notch... I mean really, who's is?

Anyway, I had to work at apple just before the audition and got stuck helping a customer.  I thought "Perfect! Now that I'm late, I have an excuse to not go."  But here's the thing... it was just an excuse.  The only way to truly try and fail is to actually try.

I had so many excuses to not go.  I was late, I was still wearing my apple clothes, I had no make up, I wasn't sure I had my Disney ID, I didn't know what I would have to do at the audition...   but I could not be that girl.  I could not be the person to turn around just because of insecurity.  If I didn't get this job, it was because I didn't deserve, not because I didn't try.

I raced to the audition.  I got there very very late and they kindly saw me anyway.  However, by the time I auditioned everyone else had gone home.  I was all alone (talk about intimidating).  But I tried and I did my best.

I don't know if I got it or not, but at least I know I tried.  I refuse to let fear rule my decisions.

January...

So, you haven't heard from me in a while...  this is why.

First, I went to Europe.

or you can watch it here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEtNjc2ym3s)

Then I went on a hike,

Then I got really really sick...

So, here I am, back on my feet and ready to conquer the world.

Three days in my life...

Here is my time line for the last three days:

Sunday:
-stressful packer play off game
-hurry to get new rollerblades
-frustratingly clean out kitchen
-rush through rockharbor dance rehearsal
-try to fit into little green dress

Monday:
-spend hours hiking to waterfall with Gina
-try to get a dance done in 40 minutes at rockharbor

Tuesday:
-get up early to work at Disney
-finish a ton of things that needed to get done
-get bruises from rollerblading with new rollerblades
-hurry up to LA for a show with Rachel

Here's the thing, except for a few things, these are all tasks.  You have to get things done you don't want to do, you have to clean out your kitchen, you have to go to work, you have to work out (if you wanna fit in the little green dress).  And yet, at the end of Tuesday I was literally sitting in LA contemplating the amazingness of the last three days.

We must remember to look at the bright side.  The packers won, my kitchen looks beautiful, dancing is my favorite thing in the world, the people I work with are fantastic, hiking in nature is amazing, being productive just feels good.  My life isn't much different than anyone else's, I just choose to love it.  I choose to be thankful for things.  The bruises on my legs from breaking in my rollerblades suck, but man was it fun going faster than ever before...

Then to top it off, I went to a free show in LA called Traces.  Go see it.  Traces is hard to explain, but I can tell you this.  The things the people do in that show seem almost impossible at times.  It inspired me to be more creative.  To challenge myself to try harder.  To grab a little higher in life because the impossible is possible if i try.

Hiking with Gina

My Christmas Letter 2010

Totally Different Than Expected...

You know today I was driving along on the 5 freeway, I glanced to the side, saw a small glimpse of Angel Stadium in between two buildings and I smiled.  And I thought, "Who would have ever thought I would work there?"

When I was 16 years old, almost exactly 18 years ago, I was in the living room of our small farm house in Northern California decorating for Christmas with my dad.  I grew up in that house.  I will never forget that day because I was telling him of my dreams to just live in that house for the rest of my life.  I was planning to live at home while I went to college and teach in the Morgan Hill School District after I got my teaching degree.  I told my dad, "I don't need a lot of adventure.  I'm a very homely person."  My dad laughed really hard and said "Well, that means your ugly, but I do know what you mean."

I didn't ever plan to leave that house, but luckily there were bigger plans for me.  It was just a short year later that my dad's work moved him to North Carolina, I had to move out of that house I loved and into a house about 45 minutes away in the city.

My world changed that year, totally against my will.  And what a joy it is that my life did not end up the way I planned, because I couldn't imagine a better life for myself if I tried.

Me and my dad on the farm.